The Grogs

One of the most well known groups of Mordenvale are known as The Grogs, which are described by Somerled of Redcliffe as follows:

What is a Grog?

I am sure that every one has a different idea. A grog is usually a heavy fighter in the SCA. A grog usually comes from Mordenvale. A Grog will pretend to have an IQ of um, less than many. It is a grogs duty to be a shock-troop, and at his leaders command to charge the biggest thing on the field. Most grogs drink. A lot.

How do I become a Grog?

First you must train as a GIT*. You must be an authorized fighter, preferably heavy. You must fight at least one, preferably three or more, Wars wearing a Grog Tabard and fighting as part of the Shield-wall. You must fight a best-of-eleven against the previous grog or a grog of equal skill. If you do something either heroic or idiotic you may earn your grog name.

*What does the asterisk near GIT mean?

A GIT is a Grog in Training. All GITs are GIT number one because we cannot tell the difference between them. Grogs tell the GITs what Ragnar says (Sir Ragnar Magnússon).

How were Grogs invented?

A grog is a creature from the RPG Ars Magica. It was a humanoid fighter type whose only task was to be slain in droves by uber-powerful wizards. The shield-grog was invented by Boris about eight years ago (~1997) during his first war in Politarchopolis in which they thought it amusing to pretend to be stupid, uncouth brutes.

How do Grogs Count?

Badly. If a grog is really confused then every number is one. In a war grogs can count to three, because they all know what comes next. Once a grog either becomes a sergeant (good) or a squire (so they can chase archers because they’re too scared to fight in the wall) then they learn how to count in the Grogicimal system. This system is base four. E.g, 1, 2, 3, many. Many 1, many 2, many 3, many many.

The decimal 16 equates to lots in the Grogicimal system. E.g. 21 is lots, many, 1

The term all of them applies technically to the decimal 64 or higher but can mean any number greater than three at times.

Thus you may hear comments from Grogs like There are many pointy hats over there, I have had lots to drink, and who cares, lets just charge them!

The Grogs are each given a ‘Grog name’. For example, Grogus Eucalyptus was the name given to a Grog who charged in a war and hit a tree. Grogus Pinkus Mistus was the name given to the Grog who absorbed multiple rounds from the Lemmings Household’s cannon in war. Other Grog names include Grogus Deadus and Grogus Incognito.

Another thing to know about The Grogs are their ever-useful escape clause: Ragnar told me to do it!

Cartoon by Sir Ragnar

(tune : “We didn’t start the fire”)

Daemon Deorc, Valerian, Ragnar, Countess Catherine
Shire tries for Barony, Lynarion split
Elfin’s gone overseas, Alfar’s gone to Rowany
Mordenvale needs a newbie fighting unit
Dim-wits in the red and green, something no-ones ever seen
Moping ‘round festival, saying Ragnar told us
War shields and the coppergates, Marching off to meet their fates
Tradition born, A new genus, Grogus and Robustus
We are the mordenvale shield-grogs
In our red and green stripies
Were the shire most mighty
We are the mordenvale shield-grogs
‘Cause were here for fighting
So prepare for smiting
Twin warhammers of Declan, into shield-wall Whargus ran
Yves slays many with his glaive, Heraldicus, prince
Legislatus, silver fame, will he stick to his last name
They’ve all been, squired to, house Magnusson since
Omnibus, no armour, Dara uber-paramour
Fabricatus, incognito, bigus dickus, great sword
Grogette and Cacophonus, Flirtacious and Equitus
Four of them, battle-broads, good sir I am not a lord
Uther’s king from overseas, jack is named for slaying trees
Pinkus mistus, croquetus, Karl and helmet, vomit
Eric of the misty hills, chocolate and his many kills
Arg in armour, never seen, Mendoza, pompous git
Guy le Bastarde, clad in mail, maximus, loves the ale
Pappa grog, shining steel, rotislav, not a light
Primus leads us in the war, Dylan’s known for his valour
Prima noctus, grogus deadus, soon another Hanwright.
Singing the Jomz-viking song, drinking cider all night long
Huzzahs ‘till our throats are raw, heavy banner bearer
Jelly beans, disrupting court, smashing through the spring war fort
Best of eleven, hating pikes, waargh jibber jibber
Steam train for white company, bringing Ventbarr to their knees
Charging into every fray, is there any other way!
Durry is assiduous, St Crispin run by fibulous
Derfel, Haymaker, Golgol, multi-coloured hair
Penetratus, vocal roar, putting holes in feasting floor
Jon Watkins, brown robe, royalty, best beware
Newbie grogs, tabards raw, soon there will be many more
Traveling to, wherever the next combat is
Festival and college war, Riverhaven, Ynys Fawr
So until next spring war, I cant sing this song no more
I am a mordenvale shield-grog
But when I’m done singing
Then I’ll drink on, and on, and on…

Lord Dareios Rossos the Vigilant


I talk of war and battle done,
on southern fields, neath April’s sun.
I talk of death and fear and woe
and fields strewn with blooded foe.

With Sergeants cudgel’s bruises fresh
and orders chanted every breath.
Advance and wheel, charge and lock,
our captains eye took battles stock.
Lances Ermine, Claw and Stag.

We marched behind black valley’s flag.
We marched with shires pride held high.
We marched as one, my brothers and I.

No spear nor sword could break our wall.
No soldiers ears would heed deaths call.
No Mordenvale’s sons borne home.
No mothers tears to mourn their own.

With gold and black, Deorc on right.
With Magnusson to lead the fight.
With Shadowfall we did advance.

Great households flanking every lance.
And in the Tavern, on that eve.
Cried Mordenvale without reprieve.
And none could plead to cease such din.

Lest Grogs of war let loose again.
Though older, bent and war forlorn.

These arms once carried shield and sword.
We marched with shires pride held high.
We marched as one, my brothers and I.

By Master Angus MacDougall